


Retreat

by orphan_account



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-18
Updated: 2017-05-18
Packaged: 2018-11-02 05:17:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10937778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: ‘We shouldn’t…’ she whispers, ‘Ishouldn’t…’ Krista inhales sharply, turns to face you again. She allows her forehead to rest against yours, ‘Iloveyou.’





	Retreat

**Author's Note:**

> **AU** , in which, after Ymir's transformation, she isn't captured by Reiner and Bertolt. Instead, the Survey Corps take her back behind the wall where she is allowed to heal.

You breathe in ash. 

After all, your lungs are _filled_ with it. 

Your breathe in ash, the faint musk of your own downfall, and _her_ too. 

She smells of _life_ : blood and the grit of earth, smeared across her blouse, tangled in her once platinum hair. The metallic stench of the manoeuvring gear they use daily has finally attached itself to her. It’s a distinctive scent; one only the very best of soldiers possess. 

After so many years fighting, that kind of smell, of blood, earth, and metal–of ash burning her nostrils–you become accustomed to it all.

You breathe in ash, you cough and splutter, and you can taste blood in your mouth.

**::**

Then she _surrounds_ you.

Her delicate hands cradle your face, and she’s _crying_. You can’t tell whether out of joy or grief. But she’s _crying_ , and you’re assaulted–your body shudders, and you reach out, trying to touch her. _Why are you crying?_ Your fingertips brush across her cheeks, moist from tears. 

She has her hands on your shirt, pulling you closer to her, and she says your name so _beautifully_ , your heart breaks.

‘– _Ymir–_ ’

Traitor. Bitch. Friend. Monster.

_My love_.

‘You’re awake,’ she gasps, and that’s all it takes.

She drops her head into the crook of your neck, and she _weeps_. The sound she makes, as if the entire world were burning, as if her life had no other meaning without you– _she’s_ ** _devastated_**. You don’t know how to react. You are completely and utterly helpless, _stunned_ by how much this poor girl feels for you. _For you_. You, a Titan Shifter, _the enemy_ , the very reason humanity is on the brink of extinction. And yet, she _cries for you_.

The tears feel like embers on your skin.

You _cling_ to her. Breathe her in. Embrace her so fiercely, you don’t care if your lungs are crushed.

You **_need_ ** her. You need her arms around you, you need her body on yours, and you need her to never, ever let you go–

**::**

It all comes **_screaming_** back at you.

The Titans crowding the castle, scraping the brick walls, and there is no way out. You, Reiner, Bertolt, Connie, _Krista_. All of you, trapped like rats, ready to be _feasted_ on. Pathetic waste, laid out for disposal. It was time to die. Time to fall into their gigantic, ugly jaws and be _swallowed whole_. Measly portions for these great beasts.

Except you couldn’t let that happen.

You look at Krista, and think

_fuck. What I would_ **_give_ ** _to love you._

And it’s true. What you _would_ give. 

You _threw_ yourself at them, foolish and _stupid_. You mutilated yourself into that _hideous_ creature you really are, and you _let_ her see you. You _wanted_ her to _watch_. Watch as your body was ripped and shredded apart, and this _thing_ came out of you–this Titan, this wicked, horrifying monstrosity. And you did it for her. You let them pull and tear at your Titan form, you were even so much as willing to let them _eat_ you alive. Peel off your legs, break your arms.

For her. For _your_ Krista.

You would **_die_** for this girl. 

But, you’ve always known that. From the very first day you laid eyes on her.

What a _tragedy_ that was.

**::**

By the third night, you’re still healing. 

Fortunately, your leg has grown back, but your arm needs work. You have a hand missing, and your face hasn’t recovered from when you Shifted. The creases in your skin are like scars. Terrible reminders. You hate looking at yourself in the mirror. You look so _disgusting_. A part of you wants to _rip_ at your face, get rid of these marks.

_stop, stop,_ **_stop_ **

You can’t hide what you are, though. 

Commander Hanji owes you a surprise visit. 

Well, it’s about time. They’ve given you three days. Now, it’s time to ask questions.

Questions that will hurt.

The Commanding Officer is _fascinated_ by you. The moment she steps into the room, she orders you to sit on the bed, and then she comes over– _grabs your face_ –and _studies_ you. ‘Marvellous,’ she grins. ‘Incredible.’ She chortles, and you give her a funny look. You expected torture, or some form of it. Not for your supposed enemy to _marvel_ at you.

Hanji steps back. Grabs a chair, and sits opposite. For a long while, she’s quiet.

So, you speak: ‘Where’s Krista?’

‘Hm? Oh! Fine, she’s fine.’ Hanji pauses. ‘How much do you remember?’

‘Everything up to when I lost consciousness.’ You shrug.

‘Ah.’ Hanji sighs. ‘That’s a shame.’

‘Eh?’

‘Jaeger has gone missing. I was hoping you might be able to fill me in on a couple of details.’

You widen your eyes. ‘What happened?’

‘Well, soon after you lost consciousness, two of your friends decided to reveal themselves.’ You stiffen entirely, and Hanji frowns. ‘You know who I’m talking about. Don’t you?’

You don’t answer.

Surely not… surely Reiner, Bertolt, those _idiots_ …

‘They nearly took you with them. We managed to save you in time, but now _you_ owe us your life.’

‘I don’t owe you _shit_.’

‘Is that right?’ Hanji stands, and, for the first time, she looks _sinister_. You always found her to be a bit of a joke, but, in this moment, she’s far more frightening than any other Commanding Officer you’ve faced. And you have lived a _long_ life. ‘I would be careful. We’ve taken care of your injuries, and allowed you to rest, but now it’s _your_ turn.’ She exhales. ‘Historia has begged I don’t _hurt_ you, so… Consider yourself lucky you have such a loyal friend.’

The reality of her true name hits you like stones.

‘What happened to Jaeger?’

‘He and the Armoured Titan fought each other, and we genuinely believed Jaeger would win. He had him for a moment, but then… Then, the other one–the Colossus Titan–ruined everything. We weren’t able to get to Jaeger in time. The Colossus Titan won, and the two of them fled with Jaeger in hand. My men are already in pursuit of him, but, as you can imagine, I’m getting pretty confused here. There was Leonhardt, then you, and now two others.’

You sigh. _Fuck_. 

‘I’m beginning to wonder who we’re actually defending here.’

‘Not my problem.’

Hanji chuckles. ‘Oh, trust me: if you don’t start cooperating, it _will_ be.’

**::**

At least you’re given some mercy. 

They don’t tie you up. Instead, they keep you locked in your room, and feed you and offer water every so often. But, you’ve lost your appetite. Very rarely do you return an empty plate, and it starts to show. You’re smaller than you were. The marks on your face haven’t gone entirely yet, but your hand has nearly grown properly.

A cup of water is slipped into your room.

You knock on the door. A guard answers with a grunt.

‘While I appreciate your enthusiasm for my hydration,’ you raise a brow, ‘You wouldn’t happen to have anything stronger, would you?’

‘Get back.’ He whams his fist against the door.

‘ _Come on_ , just a tiny sip of something? I know you got booze hidden in your overalls somewhere.’ You snigger. He isn’t amused, and hits his hand against the door again. You decide this isn’t going to result in anything, and give up.

It’s _maddening_. The Survey Corps can say whatever they like. But they’ve locked you in here for what will probably be forever. You’re desperate to know what happened to the others in the castle, who survived, who died, what happened to Eren–what the _fuck_ happened out there? How could everything fall apart so quickly?

You scrunch your eyes shut, pinch the bridge of your nose. 

Really, you should have died decades ago. 

_You’re a ghost_. Stranded in a place you truly don’t belong.

The door opens behind you, and you expect the guard to come through, one fist raised. 

But, to your surprise, it isn’t a guard. Nor is it Hanji.

Krista walks in with a newfound confidence you haven’t seen from her before. Her eyes aren’t shimmering with her usual innocence, that fond naivety you first saw. Now, you’re faced with somebody else entirely. Something has changed. As if the name _Krista_ has been yanked from her identity, and who she is, _who she really is_ , has finally decided to remove the mask.

But there’s something else too. There’s exhaustion, and there’s pity, and there’s anger, and there’s _grief_. 

‘I need to talk to you.’

‘Oh?’ You smile crookedly, but she’s _killing_ you. You’ve hurt her, and she’s letting it show. ‘Go ahead. _Talk_.’

She doesn’t like your tone. You wish you didn’t care.

‘F–fine,’ she doesn’t stammer because she’s afraid, or because she’s Krista and she can’t handle this kind of trauma. She stammers because she has gone over and over in her mind what she wants to say to you. _How_ she wants to say it. She’s spent nights wide awake, you in her thoughts, and _bursting_ with the need to ask: ‘ _Why_?’

This is new. Nobody has asked you _why_ yet.

‘Why didn’t you tell me?’

You raise a brow. ‘What, and let you turn me over? Ha! Yeah, right.’

She shakes her head. ‘You should’ve trusted me.’

‘I _did_. I _do_. But, _this_ –who I am… you couldn’t have understood.’

‘But, I–’

‘That was why I was so drawn to you. You were just so oblivious to reality, and I… _liked_ that. It was so refreshing and nice, and, in a way, gave me hope.’ You laugh slightly, and it sounds _empty_. ‘You really think I could turn to you, and reveal who I really was? You’re crazy.’

‘I’m _not_ crazy!’ She steps forwards, eyes leaking with tears, and you’re _traumatised_ by the sight. ‘I’m your _friend_ , Ymir! We had fought alongside each other so much. I felt _close_ to you, but… but, was all of that a _lie_? Were you _ever_ going to tell me?’

This is unfair.

This is cruel.

This is _deserved_. 

You look away. _Fuck her_. Fuck her for twisting this, and making _you_ the bad one. The guilty one. Fuck her for feeling hurt, betrayed, utterly _shattered apart_ because you saved her life, and in order to save her life, you _had_ to turn into one of those _things_ –

‘I wanted you to like me.’

You have never sounded more pathetic.

But, the words just keep tumbling out anyway: ‘I was _terrified_ of you finding out about me. So, what other choice did I have? I kept myself from you. I _had_ to. It–’ you nearly grimace, because this is starting to _sting_ , ‘–got to the point where I _had_ to be around you. I had to keep you safe, to protect you. Maybe I was wrong. You’re tougher than I thought, but… still, if I revealed who I was, then all of my efforts to watch your back would have been **_stolen_** from me.’

She says nothing in response, and you’re too afraid to look at her.

‘I am a Shifter. That doesn’t mean I’m your enemy, though. I _hate_ those things almost as much as you do. And just–just the _idea_ that they could _hurt_ you. That, if I didn’t do anything, they could have _hurt_ you, they could have _taken_ _you away from me_ –’ Fuck this. _Fuck all of this_. Because now you can’t breathe, and your heart is tearing in two, and you don’t _dare_ see her face. ‘I had to do _something_. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry.’ Your breath catches. 

_I’m sorry._

_Please,_ **_please_ ** _, forgive me._

Breathing then becomes impossible.

Breathing becomes impossible, and you’re not sure why at first, until Krista comes forward and–

– _kisses you_.

The kiss is tight, firm, and hot. It’s awkward and uncertain, and it’s _wonderful_. 

‘I thought I lost you.’ 

Her breath is sweet across your lips. Timid, yet filled with a fire you haven’t witnessed in her before. 

‘I–I don’t know what I would have done if…’ she stops. She stops because, _fuck_ , if she completes that sentence, she’ll _fall to her knees_ and she won’t know how to get back up again. Krista breathes in, shaking, and words just become void and useless. 

You look at her then. Her eyes, bright, gorgeous, _torn apart_. 

She touches your face, the marks from when you Shifted days ago; she touches them, familiar and curious and heartbroken. 

This is everything you _never_ wanted.

You always wished happiness and a dream come true for this _angel_. 

Instead, you offer her nothing but the promise of despair. Of death, pain, and the promise to guide her straight into Hell.

You lean in to kiss her again, but Krista moves away slightly. She _avoids_ you. You know better, and try to step back, but she’s holding onto your shirt so desperately, you have nowhere else to go. She’s _trapped_ you. 

‘We shouldn’t…’ she whispers, ‘ _I_ shouldn’t…’ Krista inhales sharply, turns to face you again. She allows her forehead to rest against yours, ‘I _love_ you.’

Those three words _crush_ you entirely.

You’re open and vulnerable, and she could kill you. That’s a fact. Out of everybody and everything in the whole world, Historia Reiss would be your death. Because, right here and now, she’s left you defenceless. She could grab your neck, she could _break_ you, she could stab a knife through your heart, and you would _let_ her.

But she doesn’t have it in her. Neither do you.

Her hands are in your hair, and her tongue is in your mouth, and you’re pulling her towards you. The wooden frame of the bed catches you off balance, and you both fall together. She gasps against your lips, her hips meeting yours, and she’s pressing her body to your chest. You’re both _frantic_ , panicking, and _urgent_. 

Neither of you know how to _handle_ this. She tries to unbutton your shirt, but she’s trembling too much, and she’s can’t _stop_ kissing you. Your lips grow sore and bruised, and you need to her to stop, _to calm down_ , but you become lost in her frenzy as well. Your heart is racing, _pounding so fast_ , and _how much_ she effects you might just kill you anyway.

You kiss her neck, down to her collarbone, the buttons to her blouse falling away. Her skin is so soft and lovely, and then you’re touching her breasts, her stomach, and she’s gasping, breathing heavily, clutching your hair, your collar, _don’t stop, don’t stop_ –

Krista collapses onto her back, and reaches out for you. Her hands pull away at your shirt, and she’s _cold_ , her palms like _ice_ on your skin. You shudder, kiss her mouth, and she knocks herself into you. The two of you are maddened by each other, and nothing– _nothing_ –could tear you away from her. 

You can’t _comprehend_ the idea of being apart from this woman any longer, and you

_touch her_. Your hand delicately covers her warmth, and she mumbles something, arching her back, _desperate_. You lean in again, just to kiss her, and she responds with aggressive impatience. Because don’t you _dare_ stop now, don’t you _dare_ hesitate, don’t you _dare_ reconsider, because you have wanted this ever since you laid eyes on her and _now_ you’re hesitating?

She moans, and you don’t care how loud she is; when she spreads her thighs a little wider, her hands pressed to your shoulders, your arms, and then to your face. Krista meets your rhythm, and with each stroke of your fingers, she lets herself _go_. Bit by bit. She’s surrounded by you, and you’re utterly _consumed_ by her. You kiss again, and you kiss each other hungrily, gasping and moaning while you increase the pace. She tenses, clutching on.

‘ _Oh_ ,’ she knocks her head back, ‘ _Ymir_.’

The sound of your name. You nearly burst into tears.

She says your name so _lovingly_. So carefully. A poem on her lips.

When she hits her peak, she crashes her mouth onto yours, desperate to silence her cries, but it’s hopeless. 

You don’t let her go. You don’t stop, and she breathes confession after confession in your ear, holding you tightly against her, _loving you_

‘Please–’ she gasps, and comes again. This time, her body goes rigid, and she trembles all over. She kisses you, and then she kisses you again, and the sheets are soaked, and your head is spinning, and you can’t get enough of her because _you love her so much_ , and, ‘– _don’t leave me_.’

That’s when you start to cry.

So many times in your life, you have kept promises you can’t keep.

Krista kisses your tears. 

You let her comfort you, touch you, love you. Then you grab her wrists, and take her again.

**::**

Several months have gone by. Unnoticed. You’re clueless on what has been happening outside your room. Or, your _prison_. You don’t know why–or, you don’t allow yourself to ponder–Krista hasn’t been able to visit you. But a part of you knows. While she does have her duties to attend, as far as the Survey Corps are concerned, your love for each other is considered a _betrayal_.

You’re not allowed to be with her.

Hanji gradually scours information out of you, but you’re reluctant, and you _mock_ her.

You may not be one of _them_ , but you do belong to your tribe beyond the wall. And you _are_ a loyal soldier. So, there is very little Hanji can get out of you.

** :: **

In the end, it won’t matter anyway.

**::**

Winter. Snow has started to fall, the guards wear heavier uniform, desperate to stay warm.

You don’t feel the cold. You’re accustomed to the freeze, after all.

The door opens, letting in a shuddering draft. Hanji steps into the room, with a funny, if not _amused_ expression. You look at her, expecting more questions, expecting the worst. _It’s time to go_. _You’re no use to us now_. But, instead–

‘Looks like we might need your help. This will be your chance to show exactly whose side you _are_ on.’ 

Hanji doesn’t let on more than that. You glance at the other soldier behind her, whose expression is illegible. And then you think of Krista, think of what an opportunity this might actually be. You look at Hanji again, at this second chance she is giving you.

Thing is, you would do anything. Anything at all for _her_. 

That much has always been certain.

‘Well?’ Hanji says. ‘You gonna come with me or not?’

You twitch a smile.

**::**

Eventually, you say you love her too, your body hung by your manoeuvring equipment. The last Titan has fallen, and there’s blood on your face from another comrade, but you’re _alive_ , and you’re _with her_ , and even though you’re fighting a war you have no real place in, you know you wouldn’t rather have it any other way. 

So. It’s simple.

‘I love _you_ , too.’

Maybe Krista knew all along. Maybe.

She kisses you, and her kiss is but a promise to follow you to the grave.


End file.
